A Christmas Confession

You’ll note that there has been very little mention of Christmas or Advent on this blog.  The simple explanation is that I have a really hard time with Christmas, and this year has been particularly difficult for some unknown reason.  By the end of the 25th, I felt relaxed and relieved for the first time in several weeks.  The time until then had been a fair amount of sliding in and out of mini-depressions.

I know that what’s behind all this is a sense of this time of year somehow being negative, unpleasant, disappointing, or something along those lines that stems from decades ago, but I realized this year that despite all my ponderings and prayers on this, I’ve never really wrapped my hands around what the issue is.  I tend to think of depression, in all its frustration and hopelessness, as a sort of gift – a message that is for my good, meant to help me acknowledge that something either in reality is wrong or in my internal world is wrong (or both).  However, it’s hard to make use of a gift when all you can do is look at it from a distance and that through a dark glass.  So while I know that God has arranged this for me at least in part to lead me back to the truth and to His care, I don’t know how to take advantage of what He’s doing with it very well.

And I suppose my ingrained method of dealing with it is to not deal with it as much as possible.  Thus, not so much interaction with it here.  Which is a shame, really, since there are so many things that could be worked though or looked at on the matter of growth and life in the Advent season.  The reality of Emmanuel is significant and so crucial to our life and maturation.  The issue of waiting and how we deal with it, why God employs it, or how our souls in their original and sinful states are designed to respond to it…  The matter of holidays at all or seasons of the year…  Remembrance and anticipation…  I sort of don’t manage to touch on any of them.

So my apologies for not integrating this season well.  Perhaps part of my task is to work more closely with the Spirit in working through these pockets of left over muck in my soul both now and in the next season.  And over time, I trust that God will accomplish His will in me despite me.  He’s good at that.

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One response

  1. SjG

    Your honesty is refreshing. Thank you.

    February 2, 2010 at 3:32 pm

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